Who Shall Live, Who Shall Die
Creating a Space for Jews to Talk About Death, Jewishly
By Rabbi Melanie Levav, Executive Director, Shomer Collective
We are living through an epidemic of loneliness. Despite being more digitally connected than ever, many of us have fewer places to have honest conversations about the questions that matter most: How do we want to live? What gives our lives meaning? How do we prepare for loss? What happens when someone we love dies, or when we begin to imagine our own mortality? Too often, those conversations happen only in moments of crisis, if they happen at all.
The Jewish calendar offers another way. Each year, as we approach the High Holidays, we’re invited into a season of reflection, not simply to look back on the year we’ve had, but to consider the life we’re creating. It’s a time that reminds us our days are finite and that awareness can become a source of clarity, connection and purpose.
The month leading up to the Jewish New Year invites us to take a personal accounting of who we have been this past year as we prepare to enter a new year. The rabbis called this work of introspection at this time of year ٜheshbon hanefesh, literally “an accounting of the soul.” We ask ourselves questions like, “Where have I missed the mark in my relationships?” And “how might I attend to those rough spots before I think about starting anew, about doing better next year?” This can be hard work, taking an honest look inward, reviewing our recent past, and identifying deficits. And yet, when we’re brave enough to do so, the benefits can be enormous. The high holiday season creates space in our lives to move from the introspection to asking for forgiveness before entering a new year with a proverbial “clean slate.” Once we do the work of identifying the missed marks and asking for forgiveness, we can then focus on the near future, on potential, and on growth.
This type of reflection lends itself well to the work of contemplating our mortality, a theme central to the prayer language used throughout the high holiday season. The liturgy of the High Holidays repeats the phrase “who will live and who will die,” inviting us into the work of death contemplation. Yom Kippur serves as a “dress rehearsal” for death, as we refrain from food and drink and wear white (akin to shrouds). The day serves as a turning point from the season of introspection toward the launch of something new… the new year, a “new you,” new ways of seeing and being in the world.
Judaism doesn’t limit this death contemplation to the High Holiday season, however. Our rich tradition offers many entry points to the work of thinking about how we want to live, knowing that tomorrow is never guaranteed. In recent years, a group of rabbis, theologians, and palliative care specialists led by Rabbi Sharon Brous at Ikar in LA, in partnership with Reboot created a Jewish edition of Death Over Dinner. Founded in 2013 by Michael Hebb and Angel Grant, Death Over Dinner uses the ritual of breaking bread to make talking about death less scary and more open. The Jewish edition uses snippets of Jewish wisdom (such as texts from our High Holiday liturgy as described above) to prompt conversation about the realities of mortality, elevating ancient Jewish wisdom to support our contemporary lives. Especially these days, having space to come together for these honest conversations is more important than ever.
Today, Shomer Collective, a start-up non-profit initiative designed to help more people talk about and plan for death and dying, Jewishly, has taken Death Over Dinner: Jewish Edition to new heights in partnership with Reboot. We run Death Over Dinner: Jewish Edition conversations online each season, free and open to all who wish to join. In small-group breakouts on Zoom with trained volunteer facilitators, strangers come together to talk about life and death, supported by the wisdom of our tradition. Coming together to talk about life and about death Jewishly in a safe space helps ground us in ideas that have sustained the Jewish people throughout periods of disconnection and distress.
While originally designed as a “DIY” tool that anyone can download and lead at their own dinner table, Shomer Collective has created a facilitator training, offered live online, to help you feel ready to host your own Death Over Dinner: Jewish Edition. With “tip sheets,” practice scenarios, chances to ask your questions, and sharing ideas for recruitment, this training is a great opportunity to feel more confident.
As one participant shared, “It was clear, practical and empowering. Showing us the resources and walking through the steps and facilitator role really helped.”
And another one offered: “If you’ve ever thought about hosting Death Over Dinner (Jewish Edition), this is your safety net – so you can feel secure and confident in your role.”
We also offer an opportunity for trained participants to facilitate with Shomer Collective as a way to give back and build their expertise in a small-group setting before facilitating in their own community.
As we head into the New Year, join Shomer Collective for a new experience or to launch something new in your community!
Find out more at shomercollective.org.
* Rabbi Melanie Levav is passionate about helping to improve end-of-life care and conversations and brings this commitment to Shomer Collective as the Executive Director. Prior to Shomer Collective, Rabbi Levav served as the Director of PJ Library in New York, a program of the Harold Grinspoon Foundation. Rabbi Levav has held positions at the Marks Jewish Community House of Bensonhurst, the Mandel Center for Jewish Education at JCC Association, the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee, and UJA-Federation of New York. Rabbi Levav was ordained as a rabbi by the Jewish Theological Seminary; she is certified as a chaplain by Neshama: the National Association for Jewish Chaplains; she received her graduate degree in social work from Columbia University and was trained as a death doula by the University of Vermont.
